UCL Academicals Hockey Club

The Art of Writing A Match Report

1) Remember opposition team. E.g. Spencer 8

2) Remember venue. E.g. Thames Ditton

3) Remember the score. E.g. 4-2

4) Remember the scorers, E.g. Pears x 3 (FG x 2, PS). Peeping x 1 (FG)

5) Arm yourself with as many unnecessarily long, descriptive words as possible so as to disguise the inevitably mundane proceedings of the match you are reporting on. A good reporter may also wish to embellish slightly on events to help paint a picture in the reader’s mind. The importance of employing this technique will vary depending on the player or team in question. E.g. Rob Oldnall made it a hat-trick with yet another dazzling run into opposition territory, ending his scintillating advance into the area with the deftest of touches over the bemused goalkeeper.

6) Recall and record key happenings during the match. Attendance at said match is not essential but highly recommended to ensure the accurate representation of events. Should you forget any vital information, enlist the help of a trustworthy companion to accurately recall the order of events. 

Example – Match Notes (courtesy of trustworthy companion Mr. A. Pears)

 Eb Mukhtar gave Ed Ellis a card (green) within 4 minutes.
 I scored a flick.
 They equalized.
 I think I then scored from that touch that flew in to the roof of the net off Deep’s drive in.
 They then equalized again and missed a few gilt edged chances.
 Bagheri missed one I put on a plate for him.
 Hamid took one off my open stick I was about to score.
 We withstood a lot of pressure then I won 2 short corners which we converted in the last 10 minutes……….. BOOM. HATRICK HERO.

NB - Take care when relying on a view of the game other than your own - often one will serve to exaggerate their participation in said game in the hope that their captain will have forgotten what actually happened and select them the following week on the basis of their ‘imperious display’ the weekend previous. 

7) Do not be afraid to inject humour if you see fit, although quite often it is enough to simply aim carefully worded abuse at select team members as this seems to induce a certain level of hilarity among contemporaries. A good reporter will always be able to identify the team whipping boy and use this to their advantage. If you don’t know who the whipping boy in the team is then it’s you and injecting humour should be avoided – it won’t be funny and will serve only to make your unfortunate predicament worse.

8 ) Your team will always be the best in the league on paper, so it is important that any loss is downplayed and inferiority to an opposition is not acknowledged. In this instance, one may wish to make comment on matters outside hockey such as educational background and heritage. In the unlikely event that a loss is incurred, then it is usually regarded to be the fault of the pitch or the umpires. Therefore, do not be afraid to highlight this (see (9) for appropriate execution). To add further gravitas to your point, the following words can be useful:


i. Bagheri
ii. was
iii. playing
iv. Pikey
v. still
vi. Drunk

Replace (ii) with ‘not’ if describing a victory.

9) Strong expletives can be a powerful tool when trying to portray particular events, or to emphasise the often unjust nature of the game. They are most easily applied to umpires, although in journalistic circles this is considered a cheap shot and should be discouraged if one wishes to maintain credibility amongst the reporting fraternity. However, feel free to use them if describing the opposition striker who skinned you three times before slotting it into the top corner, or the pitch that lead to the ball bobbling unceremoniously over your stick before rolling in slow motion across the line.

10) If you have much better things to do with your time, then an abridged version is acceptable as no one reads the bleeding thing anyway.

EXAMPLE

Match Report – 3rd XI vs. Spencer 8s, Thames Ditton. 3rd October 2009 (Abridged)

Final Score: UCL Academicals 3rd XI – 4: Spencer 8s – 2

 Ellis gets his FHL career off to a stormer with a green card.
 Pears scores a flick – never in doubt?!
 Spencer score (average goal, not worth discussing)
 Pears score laser beam deflection from thundering Bolina hit.
 Spencer score (average goal, not worth embellishing)
 Bagheri misses an absolute sitter
 Spencer start to apply pressure – well, we felt sorry for them and needed a rest. Nothing of concern arises.
 Pikey wins 2 short corners, both converted expertly by the man himself and Peeping Tom
 End of. Mighty Mighty 3s.